Dena Taylor’s Musings

Happy: How was your weekend?

Bitter: Fine. Ran errands, watched Bounty Hunter and finally cleaned the bathtub. How ’bout you?

H: Great! Me and Mr. Man saw Surrogates–soo good!–and I made him breakfast tacos the next morning. Really sweet.

B: Oh.

H: Something wrong?

B: No. I’m really happy for you and everything. I just wish I had someone, too.

H: You’re an awesome person. You’ll meet someone soon. I know it!

B: Sure. Until then, maybe you could chill it a little with the guy.

H: What do you mean?

B: You know. Maybe not see him so much until I meet someone. Then we can date people at the same time and and swap stories and stuff.

H: You can’t be serious.

B: Oh, I am. It’s not fair that I have to listen to you blather on and on about how great everything is all the time.

H: You want me to stop seeing my boyfriend because you feel left out?

B: Well, yeah. Especially since you’re way higher maintenance than I am. I totally don’t get why you have someone and I don’t.

H:  I’ve been single a really long time and I’m not going to apologize for finally having a boyfriend. And I’m not high maintenance.

B: But it’s not fair! You take way too long to get ready in the morning, you only like guys who make a certain amount of money and you refuse to give blow jobs! It’s ridiculous!

H: Hey–I have a serious gag reflex! I threw up once, remember? Totally ruined grandma’s tablecloth. Anyway, maybe you should try harder to meet someone. Get your teeth whitened. Buy something without a stretch waistband!

B: I get bloated!

H: Exactly.

B: I gotta go. I have a junk drawer to clean.

H: Yeah and I have a boyfriend to meet.

B:  Bitch.

ME: What should we do for dinner?

MOM: We could drive down to P.J. Wang’s.

ME: You mean P.F. Chang’s?

MOM: That’s what I said.

ME: How about takeout from Pei Wei?

MOM: They have food there?

ME: Yes. It’s “pan-Asian.”

MOM: Why would I want to eat where they play video games?

ME: What do you mean?

MOM: Well, isn’t that the place where you get those exercise video games your sister has?

ME: You mean, “Wii?”

MOM: Yeah. Pei Wii. Why would I want to eat there?

COFFEE PAL DAVID: I’m on a diet. It’s a cleanse.

ME:  Oh I’ll do that with you. Do you want to do a two-day juice fast?

COFFEE PAL DAVID: You mean a diarrhea weekend?

MELINDA: She’s here. She says she’s okay.

LIVING BOYFRIEND: She’s here?! I’m so sorry for the way things ended. I will always love you!

DEAD GIRLFRIEND:  Tell him I love him, too.

M: True that.

LB: Huh?

DG: I said I love him, too. Please don’t paraphrase.

M: Whatever, vapors. She says ditto on the love, yo.

LB: Who’s vapors? Why is she talking this way?

DG: He needs to know something.

M: She has something to say. Spill it, spirit.

DG: He wasn’t my first. I was with someone else before him.

M: Nuh-uh! You randy minx!

LB: Who’s randy minx? Is he related to vapors?

M: Turns out your beloved bagged a few eclairs before your cannoli rolled up to the plate, if you know what I mean.

LB: But she’s allergic to pastry.

M: Mercy. Where’d you find this guy. You’re better off dead.

DG: You’re right. He should have totally got the cannoli analogy.

M: She said she dropped trow with a team of sweaty guys before she took advantage of you.

LB: I knew it! She knew way too much about cream of mushroom soup and dog leashes…

DG: It was only one guy. Are you deaf?

M: Are you still breathing?

DG: Just tell him that before the accident, I found out I had an STD. He needs to get checked.

M: She says she gave you a present.

LB: She did? I don’t remember getting it.

M: Do you remember getting off?

LB: Wha?

M: She gave you an STD, dweeb. A parting gift. You need to have your junk checked.

LB: Oh, great. Thanks for taking my first sexual experience and soiling it with your lies!

M: And six-legged parasites.

DG: Seriously. Could you be any more crude?

M: Could you be any more dead?

DG: I’ve had enough. I’m evaporating.

MOM: Did you see that new beer?

ME:  What new beer?

MOM: It only has 55 calories. Probably tastes like pee.