ME: What should we do for dinner?
MOM: We could drive down to P.J. Wang’s.
ME: You mean P.F. Chang’s?
MOM: That’s what I said.
ME: How about takeout from Pei Wei?
MOM: They have food there?
ME: Yes. It’s “pan-Asian.”
MOM: Why would I want to eat where they play video games?
ME: What do you mean?
MOM: Well, isn’t that the place where you get those exercise video games your sister has?
ME: You mean, “Wii?”
MOM: Yeah. Pei Wii. Why would I want to eat there?
COFFEE PAL DAVID: I’m on a diet. It’s a cleanse.
ME: Oh I’ll do that with you. Do you want to do a two-day juice fast?
COFFEE PAL DAVID: You mean a diarrhea weekend?
MELINDA: She’s here. She says she’s okay.
LIVING BOYFRIEND: She’s here?! I’m so sorry for the way things ended. I will always love you!
DEAD GIRLFRIEND: Tell him I love him, too.
M: True that.
LB: Huh?
DG: I said I love him, too. Please don’t paraphrase.
M: Whatever, vapors. She says ditto on the love, yo.
LB: Who’s vapors? Why is she talking this way?
DG: He needs to know something.
M: She has something to say. Spill it, spirit.
DG: He wasn’t my first. I was with someone else before him.
M: Nuh-uh! You randy minx!
LB: Who’s randy minx? Is he related to vapors?
M: Turns out your beloved bagged a few eclairs before your cannoli rolled up to the plate, if you know what I mean.
LB: But she’s allergic to pastry.
M: Mercy. Where’d you find this guy. You’re better off dead.
DG: You’re right. He should have totally got the cannoli analogy.
M: She said she dropped trow with a team of sweaty guys before she took advantage of you.
LB: I knew it! She knew way too much about cream of mushroom soup and dog leashes…
DG: It was only one guy. Are you deaf?
M: Are you still breathing?
DG: Just tell him that before the accident, I found out I had an STD. He needs to get checked.
M: She says she gave you a present.
LB: She did? I don’t remember getting it.
M: Do you remember getting off?
LB: Wha?
M: She gave you an STD, dweeb. A parting gift. You need to have your junk checked.
LB: Oh, great. Thanks for taking my first sexual experience and soiling it with your lies!
M: And six-legged parasites.
DG: Seriously. Could you be any more crude?
M: Could you be any more dead?
DG: I’ve had enough. I’m evaporating.
MOM: Did you see that new beer?
ME: What new beer?
MOM: It only has 55 calories. Probably tastes like pee.
MOM: I made you some cookies.
ME: Really? What kind?
MOM: They have granola and cranberries and they make ya poop!
ME: So, like poopkies?
MOM: Yeah! Poopkies!