At a local Thai restaurant.
ME: What should we get?
MOM: Well we have to get the chicken satire!
ME: Satire? I think we get plenty of that at home, don’t you?
MOM: Very funny. What’s it called then?
ME: Sataaay, chicken satay. And what to drink?
MOM: How about the Tang-ho?
ME: Tang-ho? Do you mean the powdered fruit drink or the powdered, scantily-clad lady in back?
MOM: Huh?!
ME: I asked, “Did you mean the Singha?”
MOM: Yes. I’ll have one of those.
GUY: Excuse me, could I squeeze by you for a moment, I need the outlet.
GIRL: Oh, sure. No prob.
GUY: (staring)
GIRL: (working)
GUY: Excuse me, again but I don’t know you.
GIRL: No, I don’t think so.
GUY: I mean, I’ve never seen you before. Anywhere. Ever.
GIRL: Yeah. No.
GUY: Not on eHarmony. Not on Match. Not on Chemistry or in the paper.
GIRL: And not on Craigslist Casual Encounters either. (laughs)
GUY: Uh, well, I’d have to see you without your clothes on for that. But anyway, I don’t know anything about you! What are you like? What do you do? What do you think about?!
GIRL: Let’s see. I work. I cook. I travel. I hang out with friends. I walk the dog. I like to hike. I don’t know…I think about lots of things. Global warming, the actual fat content in low-fat chips…
GUY: But you don’t have it outlined anywhere? I mean, do you have a sandwich board or pamphlet or tattoo or something listing all your likes and dislikes and whether you like guys who are fit or spiritual vs. religious or under 5’8?
GIRL: No. I like all kinds of guys. And all kinds of things. I guess I just sort of carry that information around with me wherever I go.
GUY: But you know, you could put it online for less than $20 bucks a month and everyone could read about you.
GIRL: Maybe I don’t want everyone reading about me. If you want to know about me why don’t you just ask?
GUY: Well, no. You have to go online. I mean, I paid to get your information. You gotta put it online.
GIRL: Uh, no. I don’t.
GUY: But I paid good money to find out about you and you’re not on there! IT’S NOT FAIR!
GIRL: Um…
GUY: They said thousands of potential mates are waiting to meet me online and here you are, minding your own business, living your life, withholding your information. IT’S NOT RIGHT!
GIRL: Look freak. I don’t have to go on Match.com and post my information. I just met you - FOR FREE - anyway! And you know what? I think I’d actually pay to UNMEET you.
GUY: You can’t UNMEET people. It’s not a feature.
GIRL: But I can ask you to leave.
GUY: Yeah, fine. But if I ever see you on Match I’m SO not winking at you or anything.
GIRL: Awesome.
GUY: Whatever. Here’s my number if you wanna text.
Tamoxifeng shui – The pleasing arrangement of an industrial sized fan and block of ice next to one’s bed
Tamoxifender bender – What happens when my sweaty hands slip off the steering wheel
Tamoxifeind – The dominant mental state of a hot flasher wearing a wool sweater, wool pants, wool socks and fleece-lined boots
Tamoxiferno – My hot flashing ass
Tamoxifence – The dubious moment before a hot flasher screams or cries
Tamoxifanity - Various expletives used in describing a hot flash, e.g. It’s so fucking hot; Shit it’s hot; It’s too damn hot
Tamoxifetish – An unnatural desire to press a bag of frozen vegetable medley on one’s bare flesh
Tamoxifeud – The result of anyone standing in the way of me and my freezer
Tamoxifree – How Stella gets her temperature back
Tamoxifun – This word not found
MOM: I’m going to try this new recipe but it requires some fancy lemon flavored olive oil and I don’t know where on Earth I’m going to find that because we don’t have a Ben & Jerry’s around here.
ME: Ben & Jerry’s sell olive oil?
MOM: Ben & Jerry’s. Pete & Larry’s. You know that store.
ME: Ben & Jerry’s sells ice cream and while Pete & Larry might sell olive oil, I have a feeling it’s not for cooking. Do you mean Harry & David?
MOM: No! Geez. But it’s a man’s name…um…Vuh, vuh, vuh…VIC!
ME: Like in the cough drop?
MOM: No. It’s Vic. TRADER VIC’S!
ME: Mom. Trader Vic’s is a Polynesian steakhouse. I think you must mean Trader Joe’s.
MOM: Like I said. We don’t have that here.
Meat Water (teriyaki chicken or fajita beef)
Tuna Water (bone and skin free)
Broccoli Water (with or without stalks)
Egg Water (brown, Grade AA)
Bagel Water (with cream cheese curds)
Cheese Water (with hormone-free, reduced fat cheddar)
Lipid Oil Water (duck, coconut or canola)
