ArchivesCategory: Banter

Have you tried those new coconut waters? No. I think you’ll like them. Plus, they’re better for you. I didn’t know I needed something better for me. Well, of course you do, dear. That crap you drink– I like that crap I drink. But it’s killing you. You’re killing me. But it’s full of chemicals! Continue Reading

HE: Hey. SHE: Hey. HE: Cool show, huh? SHE: Totally awesome, yeah. HE: You from Austin? SHE: Yeah, went to school here, you? HE: Nah. Just here for Southby. SHE: Oh! You in a band? HE: No. SHE: Oh. Any of your friends in a band? HE: Nope. Can I buy you a beer? SHE: Continue Reading

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: Good morning, Bob. CLIENT: You’re 20 minutes… CD: Late, I know. Sorry. I sort of slept in… CLIENT: We only had the room for an hour so you’ve got 40 minutes. CD: Exactly. The thing is. Bob. We’ve spent days and thousands of your deposit brainstorming concepts and while you certainly have a Continue Reading

Subject: Hello & networking Hi Gina, I used to work down the hall from you at MegaCorp. I’ve since moved on to IndusTreats, Inc. Anyways, a good friend of mine is interested in applying for a job in your department and I was wondering if I could put her in touch with you. Could you Continue Reading

Welcome Clintessa, Your hygiene, grades and neutral, loose fitting clothing are having a negative effect on your friends and family. They’re afraid if you don’t change, they will have to discontinue their relationship with you. Mr. Bapquerst, do you want to start? Dear Clintessa, Though I accused your mother of whoring, those tests prove you Continue Reading

Happy: How was your weekend? Bitter: Fine. Ran errands, watched Bounty Hunter and finally cleaned the bathtub. How ’bout you? H: Great! Me and Mr. Man saw Surrogates–soo good!–and I made him breakfast tacos the next morning. Really sweet. B: Oh. H: Something wrong? B: No. I’m really happy for you and everything. I just Continue Reading

GYM-BOB    Excuse me. Were you just doing leg extensions? GYM-RAT     Yeah. So what? GYM-BOB    Well. You didn’t…um…you didn’t wipe it down. GYM-RAT    Didn’t wipe what down? What you are talking about? GYM-BOB    You sweat all over the seat. Then you left without wiping it down. And when I sat down it was all…all…wet with Continue Reading

Hey Crystal! It’s been years! Heard you got rid of that crack-head loser husband of yours. Congratulations! Goodbye dead weight, hello cougar trail! Oh hi. Skip. Actually my “crack-head” husband has been clean for months and we’re buying a new house. But thanks for your note. I think. Really? That’s so weird because Patty–remember Patty Continue Reading

Coffee shop Hey, I have to use the restroom. Would you mind watching my stuff for a sec? Yes. Thanks. I mean, yes, I would mind. I’ll just be a sec. If it’s not too much trouble. Actually, I find it very troubling. Seriously? Yeah, but mainly, I just don’t wanna. “Don’t wanna?” Yeah, I Continue Reading