Archives2007

This year, when you’re making your list and checking it twice, and finding out who is naughty and nice, you might also want to find out who had to go through chemo, who lost their hair and who had to endure months of nausea, and adjust your gifts accordingly.  If not, Santa, the ASPCA might Continue Reading

MOM: I don’t understand your Thanksgiving card. ME: Okaaaay. Can you remind me what it says? MOM: Well there’s a bunch of people sitting around the table praying and the caption says something about trypto-something. ME: Tryptophan. And what part of that do you not understand? MOM: What does trypto-whatever have to do with praying Continue Reading

You know the unbridled powers of attraction and chemistry and voodoo or whatever have completely taken over when you’re attracted to a mop-topped sociopath who goes around killing people with a cattle stun gun. And yet after seeing “No Country for Old Men,” not a day has gone by that my thoughts haven’t been drenched Continue Reading

Jet lag What a drag My lids they sag Can’t lift my bag Foggy, blurry, Yawny and slow I try to work But have nothing to show Woke up at 11 Two hours ahead The day half gone My brain half dead The nap, he taunts me Pulls at my limbs I shrug him off Continue Reading

How many dogs has my family had? Two that I can recall while we were still all living together: Sandy and Tuck. After my parents got divorced there was Puppers and then there was Paddy. Paddy was a rescue dog. She spent much of her time tied to a stake in her owner’s backyard. He Continue Reading

-I woke up feeling uncertain, almost fearful, sort of unworthy, tired and fat -My stomach is protruding at least 3 inches and I seem to have a case of the belches -I looked at my cat and got teary about how cute and furry she is and how much I love her even though she’s Continue Reading

Jesus Cramp: a young carpenter’s battle with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. An Inconvenient Tooth: Tooth fairies get sick when unsafe handling practices expose them to life-threatening infections. Mutterball: When a caregiver overhears a senior citizen’s plot to overthrow the crappy cafeteria, this assisted living facility is turned upside down. Slicko: After years of sexual harassment and Continue Reading

A very hairy, 50-something year-old man looking like a jogger from 1977 in what appeared to be his high school running shorts (Bonus points for “eww” factor) The barista disguised in resentment and chronic fatigue syndrome The woman going 57 in the far left lane of the expressway acting as if she was someone who Continue Reading

MOM: Guess what I’m making? ME: I dunno. What? MOM: Oooo, it’s gonna be so good! I took some squash and stuffed it with spinach and nuts and some of that uh, golian cheese? ME: I’m sorry, what kind of cheese? MOM: (in her smallest voice) Guh…ware…guhwarry? ME: Yeah, no. I don’t know what you’re Continue Reading